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  Top Tips.
 From: Dee | Posted: 8/24/2005 12:29:31 PM |

Posts: 1409
Top Tips.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a 50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

MEN Can't get a blow job? Simply strip bollock naked, plonk yourself arse-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the>pan.

ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.

SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.

HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.

A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.

 From: Mr A | Posted: 8/29/2005 11:24:52 AM |
Mr A

Posts: 281
RE: Top Tips.

Mr A

 From: Mr A | Posted: 8/30/2005 7:48:27 AM |
Mr A

Posts: 281
RE: Top Tips.

Also, to avoid redundant talking....

Try to aviod saying, "what was I going to say". Unless they are telepathic the other person does not know!!!

Do not point to an empty seat, then ask the person sitting next to it, "Is any body sitting there?".

"Is it raining outside?"
It rarely rains INSIDE. But check, simply by looking out of the window.

Mr A

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